this may be the year i disappear

06:12 am

10:04 am

you're in over your head, come on down. it's just suicide. it's just suicide. it's just suicide come on down.

08:38 pm

she was beautiful. she was nothing.

12:27 pm - .FUCK IT.

that's all i have left to say.

09:06 am

.:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:..:.

08:50 pm - hey.

i'm not in control. 

03:41 pm

. : . : . : . : . : . : .

wake up 
wake up 
don't cry
you'll fuck up your make-up

. : . : . : . : . : . : .

04:28 pm

feel free to come visit me in hell.

11:43 am

I couldn’t help but smile.  Kill them, I thought, slaughter them.  I felt fetching and even beautiful. 

11:55 am

i love the way you make me feel so horrible about myself.

12:03 am

_{i don't know what i want, but i don't want this...}

03:39 pm

there are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses.

Current Mood: contemplative

08:02 pm

you ain't a beauty but hey you're alright

01:09 am

“If only I had a cigarette, I thought, a single cigarette, I could summon the strength of character to put a good face on this fucked-up situation, on the whole fucked-up trip.” Jon Krakauer

01:50 pm

one thing you like about me.
one (or as many) thing(s) you hate about me.
________________________
annonymous or not, i really don't care.

12:49 pm

Current Mood: contemplative

10:28 pm - Hidden Opportunities

My name is Tamara; I am seventeen years old and a high school senior that might not graduate this year with my friends. The only thing keeping me in school is wrestling.

Wrestling is an incredibly demanding sport, physically as well as emotionally. In order to be successful, wrestling is all about conditioning, practicing, and working harder than your partner. When you are going head to head with people the same size as you it all comes down to who is better conditioned and has more skill. You spend over ten hours a week, in a stifling hot, sweat-filled gym conditioning for a match that consists of three two-minute periods. Six minutes is an incredibly long time when you are fighting to see who is stronger, physically and mentally.

Being the captain on the team is emotionally demanding as well. You are constantly expected to work harder than everyone else, have a wonderful attitude, and be incredibly supportive. Coaches, as well as fellow male wrestlers, expect the girls to fall over giggling all of the time and distract the ‘real’ athletes. Your fellow teammates get angry with you when you laugh, and when you don’t laugh, they pretend you don’t exist. In wrestling you have to control your temper, to prevent you from making a stupid mistake and getting hurt, or worse, lose the match. One of the most frustrating things about wrestling is trying to convince your friends and teammates to work hard. With girls, they are always worried that they did something to hurt you, so they never go all out and try as hard as they can. It’s especially frustrating for me because I’ve seen some people get hurt from trying to be nice at tournaments. I don’t want any of my teammates to get hurt so I am continuously trying to convince them that they can’t hurt anyone.

There is no better feeling in the world than standing in the middle of a gym with over two-hundred guys and having the referee raise your hand. The look of pure astonishment from chauvinistic coaches and wrestlers is a fantastic reward for working hours in the gym and getting beaten up and teased by the same boys that you go to school with. It is an absolutely amazing feeling, proving to your practice partners that you’re not just a weak girl in a man’s sport, that you can hold your own against other guys.

It feels like the worst thing in the world when you lose because you didn’t work hard enough. You would rather crawl in a hole and die than face people knowing you could win but you didn’t try hard enough. It’s like trying to kill yourself with a butter knife, amazingly pointless and depressing knowing that what you are doing isn’t going to make anything better.

I started wrestling my sophomore year in high school so I could avoid going to my P.E. class, even though P.E. would have been much easier than three hour practices every day. My dad thought it would be a good idea, since he did wrestling in high school, so he could help me, and that I’ve always been stronger than most girls my age. After the first couple weeks of practice I decided I was going to work super hard at wrestling because I enjoyed it. Now I do wrestling because it’s incredibly fun and it makes me happy.

I’ve been raised in a single parent home since the first grade. People ask me if I would have done wrestling if I had been raised by my mom and grandmother. I never would have. They would have never encouraged me to try a male dominant sport, let alone encourage me every step of the way and go to every tournament, even though they knew I was going to get pinned in every match in the first period. I’m amazingly grateful that my dad took the initiative to raise me and encourage me to try new things, or else I would still have no idea what wrestling is.

At this point, I’m hanging on by my fingertips because I want to be successful, I want to wrestle, I want to go to college, I want the adventure, I want the new experiences, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make that happen. All of it, I want it all.

*** this has only been due for since the first week of september, finally finished it.

Current Mood: busy

11:16 am - just for jake

68 seconds.  saturday night ride. 

Current Mood: ha!!

04:04 pm

10:31 pm - i'm happy

as you all should be.

amilliano, thanks so much for letting me yell at you today. you didn't deserve it.